My unwarranted anger toward God

Who knew that scrolling through facebook would have done it? Make me realize that I was harboring unwarranted anger toward God.

Sounds terrible doesn’t it? “Anger toward God.”

When Pablo and I got engaged, we had a very detailed two-year plan. It made sense. It was what we wanted. It even aligned with things that God had been speaking to us. However, last year around this time, it began to unravel. Not in the sense that we had it all wrong, it just needed to be tweaked, I guess (but it definitely felt like an unraveling). There was something we needed to do, and that one thing meant taking a different much longer route to our intended destination.

According to that original plan, we would have been in Kosovo right now. Kosovo is a small country in Eastern Europe that we hope to travel to as missionaries one day. I was there three years ago, and to be honest, it was a really difficult place for me…yet somehow I long to be there! Pablo has never been, but some days it seems like he’s more anxious to live in Kosovo than I am.

Some dear friends of ours were in Kosovo last week, and as I looked through their photos on facebook, I started to cry. I was genuinely happy for them, but angry at God because it felt like he was letting someone else live our dream while we’re stuck in a season that has been mostly difficult and confusing, and any hope of traveling to Kosovo seems lost. I must have cried most of the day and Pablo wasn’t around to process with. I sent him a brief message, telling him what had happened, and his response was, well, very Pablo.

“We’ll be there soon, my love.”

Simple, and not really what I was looking for, but full of faith.

Allowing myself to be a little bit “angry” with God, forced me to process through some things that were going on inside of me. I even realized there were other things I was mad about and acknowledging it was freeing somehow. It all ended up leading me back to my humble faith in God’s goodness and knowing that we are where we need to be right now. He has been so faithful during this supposably difficult and confusing time, how could I have so easily lost sight of it?

It’s still our dream! God hasn’t stripped it from us, he’s preparing us for it. If we were meant to be in Kosovo right now, we would be there. But there must be something that we’ll learn from what we are experiencing now that we’ll need when we get there.

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